Originally written: 10/31/15
Have you ever thought about how your words affect other people? Have you considered how damaging a light-hearted joke can be? We usually don’t mean to hurt the people we love, but sometimes it happens as a result of our sinful hearts or rash words. A few months ago, I began my quest to find the truth: How can we tease the ones we love without hurting them? How do we know if we have crossed the line? I quickly found out that trying to distinguish between good and bad forms of teasing is like trying to know the man behind the mask when the mask is all you see. Teasing itself is often like a mask—vague and ambiguous. It is clearly understood and seen only from the right perspective. What is your perspective? Can you clearly see teasing for what it is and how it operates? Teasing is such a broad and intricate subject that there are no strict set of rules to follow in order to be in the safe zone. However, there is much mystery of this mask to be unveiled. The more we know, the more we can strengthen our relationships and live harmonious lives.
When people tease you, do you take it well? Does it injure you? Or, does it not have that much of an effect? The purpose of this paper is to seek these things out and explain why. There are various definitions for teasing and for why we do it. We will be exploring the sound and sight of teasing, and what influences how well it is or is not received. How do we avoid hurting people? How does it affect spouses and children? What is the importance of genuine down-to-earth conversations vs. teasing? Finally, we will see some Biblical applications along with examples and explanations of various forms of teasing.
Definitions, concepts, and reasons for verbal teasing:
Teasing, sarcasm, and verbal irony are often confused with each other, but they are different. Teasing can be many different things, but sarcasm is not the same thing as teasing. Sarcasm is a form of verbal irony and is used as a form of teasing. True sarcasm happens when one says the opposite of what he or she really means and with an attitude to cut or give pain. Verbal irony is saying one thing and meaning something very different or opposite. However, because there is so much confusion, misuse, or disagreement of these terms, it would be best for each individual to define his or her terms when discussing these. To avoid all this confusion, I will mostly use different terms. In addition, “sarcasm” and “verbal irony” will be used in this paper how I have defined them above.
Teasing is such a broad subject with many definitions. However, definitions are necessary if we want to discuss this topic and distinguish it in our own lives. Here are a few: Teasing is “A peculiar combination of friendliness and antagonism…It is not meant seriously and must not be taken seriously.” And teasing is a “personal communication, directed by an agent toward a target, that includes three components: aggression, humor, and ambiguity [or any combination of these]” (Keltner et al 233). In addition, teasing is usually done to provoke the target. Sometimes the target will tease in return because they are enjoying it, they have the desire to challenge, or because they are irritated by it.
In order for teasing to be successful, “the target must respond in a playful manner… If the target responds in a hostile, impatient, or angry fashion, teasing may escalate to ridicule” (233). If teasing is done with ill intentions and repeatedly continued, then it turns into bullying.
Some people use teasing as a light-hearted way to critic another person or tell that person what to do. Sometimes the teaser will do this from a bad heart (intending to invoke harm, or being frustrated/angry with the person). People may also tease with a good heart (really wanting the best for the person or all others involved). These people may feel that teasing is the best way to deliver their critique in order to protect each other’s name or emotional state (self-esteem) while trying to reduce the degree to which the recipient will be offended (because of being ambiguous or ironic). It is not direct communication, and therefore, it does not require a response or an in depth discussion from the target.
Examples of verbal teasing include: ritualized insults, names, understatements, overstatements, and rhetorical questions; comments on excessive acts or attributes of a person or deviant aspects of their physical appearance, personality, intellectual and social abilities, and social behavior. Teasing behavior is often prompted by such things as a person giving silly or stupid statements, improbable claims, boasts, redundancies, long-winded or overly formal utterances, or descriptions of impossible events (237). Oftentimes, teasing comes as a result of someone violating certain social norms.
What teasing looks like: Oftentimes people who tease each other use certain off record markers like non-verbal displays and phonetic cues that deviate from normal patterns of communication. This could include different intonations patterns like heavy stress, slow speech, and nasalization (238). Unusual or exaggerated facial expressions may be used as well as elongated vowels; sing-song voice; emphatic stress; short switching pauses; loud, rapid delivery; dramatized sighs; and utterances that are either louder or quieter than preceding utterances (236).
Teasing is received more positively when there are more off record markers and it is received more negatively when there is less off record markers. The reason for this may have to do with how clearly a person is understood. The more off record markers you have and the more clearly you display them, the less likely it is that your teases will be received negatively, because people are able to understand your intentions. The better two people know each other, the less they will need these off record markers to tease and understand each other effectively. However, this is not always true because there are some people whose normal way of talking is in a sing-song voice while they elongate their vowels, and therefore, it can be difficult to know whether they are teasing or not.
Pro-social teasing is defined as teasing that brings or attempts to bring a relationship closer together. This may likely include terms like bantering, jesting, kidding, and joshing. Anti-social teasing is defined as teasing that distances or attempts to distance a relationship. This may more likely include terms like scorning, ridiculing, deriding, mocking, criticizing, gibing, and taunting.
The purpose of this study is to look specifically at pro-social teasing and how one can use it effectively so as not to hurt the recipient. This means that the teaser has a desire to deepen the bond of their relationship or have mutual fun with the recipient while at the same time seeking to be sensitive to the recipient’s heart. However, just because the teaser has good intentions, that doesn’t necessarily mean the tease will be received well. When any tease is not received well, it is called bad form (or facetious). When it is received well, it is called good form.
Teasing can be compared to puppies playing together. They may nip at each other, but it is meant to be playful. On occasion, however, one puppy may bite a little too hard and thus cause pain. Or, a playful nip may be mistaken for a hostile bite.
Teasing with good form is like fencing or knights who are practicing their dueling skills. There are rules and expectations the opponents have for fighting. Don’t use any unapproved weapons; no cheap shots, only certain targets/points on the body can be hit; don’t use excessive force or inflict undue suffering; comfort a dying enemy; and, show mercy to the repentant. There are certain unwritten rules of agreement both opponents have for engagement in order that the fight may be both fair and honorable. Basically, good form is playing fair and nice.
The Mask Unveiled (as clearly and succinctly as possible)
Teasing with bad form involves teasing someone with whom one does not have a secure or close enough relationship to feel comfortable with one another. In one form or another, the closeness of the relationship is not mutual. Bad form can involve teasing someone by commenting on something that is important to the individual. Specifically, this could be something such as their identity, or something that they love (specifically if the tease is associated with something that the recipient perceives as negative or of low value. This may even include off record markers that the recipient perceives as negative or unclear). However, the closer the relationship is, and the more confident and secure the recipient is of him or herself, the more likely these forms of teasing would be considered acceptable and maybe even pro-social. Furthermore, in order for the recipient to receive the teasing well, the teaser must be consistent in using irony or other linguistic devices from a good heart. When the teaser deviates from this path by using methods of teasing that are malicious or involve an intent to criticize, scorn, or hint at dislike, then the teaser has crossed the line and broken the trust and understanding that both parties once had. The teaser cannot be completely trusted. Every time now that the recipient is teased, he or she is confused as to what the real intent of the tease was. The recipient may now find himself asking some of the following questions: “Are you using verbal irony and teasing while in your heart you love, respect, and accept me for who I am? Or, are you teasing, criticizing and judging me for something that you may dislike about me, but are not bold, secure, genuine, or honest enough to tell me plainly what is in your heart and mind? Or, do you just enjoy mocking me?”
In order to tease with good form, it is vitally important for both people to tease each other out of goodwill and for this to remain consistent in their relationship. One must be empathetic to the position of other people and what they are going through.
Other ways to avoid hurting people:
Oftentimes teasing can be a way to escape genuine down-to-earth communication. I believe it is important to avoid using teasing while having a genuine conversation because it breaks the deep closeness of the bond that is being built up. If you are having a deep conversation and suddenly one of you decides to joke around, you broke that moment of seriousness and heart-to-heart transfusion (unless of course both of you were done sharing your hearts and used joking as a means to segue into another conversation). Even though teasing can be helpful, it is not a good idea to center a relationship (especially a marriage) on teasing each other. The relationship will quickly come to a point where both people are not comfortable communicating with each other genuinely, and both people will be missing out on the deep bonding of genuine communication. Although teasing can also bond a relationship, I believe that genuine communication is a different type of essential bonding that may be better than teasing. There should be a proper balance of teasing within a marriage or no teasing at all. In all relationships, it is always better to err on the side of caution by not teasing, teasing less, or teasing to a lesser degree than to risk the uncertainty of hurting another’s feelings.
Children do not understand or receive sarcasm and teasing that well:
By 6 years of age, children can identify salient off-record markers (Becker, 1994) and begin to recognize that sarcastic and ironic utterances differ from sincere communication. Although their knowledge improves significantly by age 8, they do not develop a comprehensive understanding of sarcasm and irony until ages 11 to 13 years” (Keltner et al 238). Furthermore, an interview study found that 97% of children in elementary-school (ages 5-10 years) reported experiencing negative emotion in response to being teased, whereas this was true of only 78% of participants in junior high school (ages 11-13 years)
(239).
It may not be a good idea to tease your kids or be sarcastic to them. Also, know that your kids can hear the conversations that you have with your spouse. It would not be good to confuse them or give them any wrong ideas. However, some kids may naturally be more humorous or have greater interpersonal skills than others and therefore, may receive teasing well.
You should be sensitive to the degree of your relationship and how appropriate you feel around and about the person before you deliver your tease. If you feel good about these things, then go ahead and try teasing the person, but be very observant to how you felt the other person received it. Do be aware that they may pretend as if they received it well by smiling or giving you the facial expression or response that you desired to see. Therefore, it might be a good idea to genuinely talk to the person to find out if they were offended by your tease or not. If the other person teases in return in this instance or in the future, then this may be a good sign that teasing is okay. However, if he or she never teases you back within the life of your relationship, then this may be a sign to stop the teasing. Their personality type or behavioral conditioning may not be the kind that receives teasing that well or in the form that you have given it to them.
Oftentimes, teasing behavior is done because it is like a game, an act, a competition, or a challenge to see who can think of the most clever and witty remark or comeback. People who have witty minds find this very entertaining and may even commend the other person for thinking of something so clever. For people who do not think so much in this way or have not experienced a deep teasing relationship themselves, it can be hard to understand these kinds of people and misinterpret their intentions towards their peers.
How well someone receives a tease depends upon the type of relationship and the degree of that relationship. If you have any doubt that you could have hurt someone’s feelings, then don’t be afraid to talk to him or her. The more you understand how well someone receives or does not receive certain words, the better you can be at saying the right words. In addition, you don’t have to ask as often if that person was offended. As we approach some Biblical applications of teasing behavior, we will be examining our own hearts and will see other ways we should avoid offending people.
Biblical applications:
We are ambassadors of Christ (2 Cor. 5:20), lights of the world (Jn. 8:12), and in marriage we are examples of Christ and the church (Eph. 5). Jesus commands us that we love one another just as He has loved us so that all men will know we are His disciples (Jn. 13:34-35). Based upon these verses I’ve been thinking about how other people would interpret how we as Christians talk to one another. I wonder if they would see how we tease each other and think that the bond between us is really close or do they see bitterness because they misread our conversation? And what if some of what we say really does come from selfish ambition or bitterness, and what the world sees it not love, but more of itself? We must be sensitive and discerning when we speak around others, and should try to perceive how other people perceive us or may perceive our behavior so that we can best represent the love of Christ to the world.
On the subject of joking particularly, I found two Bible verses, “There must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks” (Eph. 5:4 NASB); “Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’” (Prov. 26:18-19 HCSB).
Ephesians 5:4 within its context is talking about sexual immorality. Therefore, “course jesting,” and in other translations, “crude joking,” is probably referring to teasing someone or making jokes of a sexual nature. More specifically, using Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary for the words crude and coarse, this kind of speaking is harsh, rough, unrefined, and immature.
When Proverbs 26:18-19 mentions joking, it is probably referring to a person who displays insensitive and reckless behavior throwing around words. He is not thinking or caring about who he could hurt. Someone injures your feelings by joking around with you and you tell him or show him with your body language that you didn’t like the joke. How does the joker usually respond back? Typically he might say, “dude, it was just a joke. Don’t take it so seriously.” However, what is Proverbs telling us? Proverbs is saying that the fault lies with the madman for being so reckless or malicious. Yet, how many times do we blame the other person for not receiving the joke the way we thought they should have? We are responsible for our own words and must realize that not everyone will receive them the same way we do in our own minds because each person is created and conditioned differently.
Teasing is sometimes used to express disapproval. This form can be very hurtful as it expresses not loving or accepting someone for who they are and for what they do. We might feel that it is our responsibility to let everyone hear our convictions and pet peeves, or to deter everyone from the temptation of being prideful, but it is not. We should not invoke feelings of neglect, shame, or humiliation on others. Rather, we should encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11) while we keep fervent in our love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8). We should be humble, gentle, and patient, showing tolerance for one another in love, and diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Eph. 4:2-3). Finally, we should not let any unwholesome word proceed from our mouths, but only words that are good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear (Eph. 4:29). If we want to communicate disapproval of something to someone, then it is best done in fittingly chosen situations with direct communication.
We should be sensitive to the people around us and our own words. How we represent Christ is important if we want to glorify Him in everything we say and do. We should not use crude jokes. If others are offended by what we say, then we need to apologize and take responsibility for our own words. If someone says or does something that we don’t like, then we should seek to be understanding and just listen, rather than being condemning. If it is a very important or urgent issue, then we should talk to that person lovingly with clear communication. Within the human race, there is a deep desire to be loved and accepted. If we are not fulfilling the emotional needs of others and are instead doing the opposite, then we are making people’s lives miserable. Far be it that this is how people should recognize us as Christians. May we search our own hearts and repent of any unconfessed sins. May we be sympathetic and loving to others as Christ is to us. Below is an appendix of various examples of good and bad forms of teasing for further understanding and conceptualization of this paper.
Appendix
Examples and explanations of teasing:
Witty remarks: Not too long ago I was sitting in church next to Mike. When greeting time came, we both stood up and tripped over each other. Mike called me a stumbling block. I laughed because it was a witty remark. However, if it was not witty and Mike just randomly called me a stumbling block, then I would not have liked it. There’s no reason to joke about someone sinning. Sin is not a laughing matter. However, since I clearly understood it was a witty remark based upon the context, there was no offense or possibility for me to take it the wrong way. I believe that most often someone can make a play on words or say something witty and it will be received well. Therefore, it is usually a safe method for teasing.
Another example: “Zombies only eat brains; don’t worry, you’re safe!” This example is cross between a witty remark and a put-down. However, since it has that aspect of humor to it, I would enjoy hearing it. I am also secure enough in my intelligence that it would not put me down. It is also removed far enough from reality that I also would not take offense. Not sure when one would actually use that phrase though…
Cut-downs/put-downs: Sometimes people who are really good friends will call each other fat, stupid, buttheads, idiots, or dorks in a good intentioned or playful way. I personally don’t use these and don’t feel that they draw people closer together. But hey, it appears to work for some.
A man was changing his 2-year-old son’s diaper while his wife walks in the room and says, “Wow! You’re actually changing a diaper!” The husband replies, “What are you talking about? I change diapers all the time?” Can you see how hurtful the woman’s comment could be? She was really saying, “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe you’re actually doing this! You’re such a good husband! sarcasm” (Meaning, he isn’t a good husband). Instead, it would have been much better if she just sincerely thanked her husband for changing the diaper, especially if this was an action she wanted to see happen more often in her husband. Encouragement will give you better results than cutting remarks. Even so, the heart attitude must be changed. Instead of trying to control people with our manipulating words to get what we want, we should be serving one another with the heart of Christ, expecting nothing in return. Jesus died on the cross not because He wanted to gain anything from it, but because we would gain everything from it. I have often seen exuberant expectations to be a very damaging thing within relationships.
One-upping people happens too often in my observations. Someone complains about how the weather is really cold and then someone who lives in a much colder place in the world says something like, “Oh, that’s nothing. It’s -52 degrees up here!” Say a friend tells you that she is working 40 hours this week, and you respond with, “Oh, that’s nothing, honey. Try working 62 hours!” Imagine you have sore or fatigued muscles from just lifting something heavy or from working a long day. Someone who is stronger than you may say, “What’s up with your arms? Work out or eat your greens or something!” 1 Peter 3:8-9 says, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” These comments are not sympathetic or humble in spirit; they are prideful and deriding.
Unclear statements: At Chick-fil-A, one of my co-workers was teased for talking too much. This girl did not know what to think of it. She said she didn’t like it though. She told me she wasn’t sure whether these people were just teasing her, or if they were telling her to shut up. Imagine another scenario. How would you feel if you woke up from a nap after a long day of work and someone said to you, “Good morning!” when it was 6pm? What are they trying to say? Are they trying to say that you’re lazy? How would you know?
An out of proportion statement: Ruth texted me one day telling me about having to close at Chick-fil-A at 11pm and then open the next morning at 6am, “I’m going to die!” she said; to which I replied, “Please don’t die.” She asked why. I said, “Because you haven’t suffered enough…” Ruth knows me well enough to recognize that I would never purposefully and honestly say something as mean as that. Therefore, this statement is surprisingly and absurdly out of proportion to what was expected; it was so mean in a pretend and clever way that it brightened her day.
Nicknames and attributions: My friends and I went out to eat ice cream and someone asked why I had so many sprinkles on my ice cream. I told her it was because it added texture and I like food with good texture. She didn’t understand where I was coming from and so she called me Mr. Sprinkles. It was okay that she called me this name on this particular occasion, but as time went by, she continued calling me this name. However, I did not like it. In my teenage years I was called Elastagirl because I was very flexible in karate, a name I did not like. I had a girl tell me in summer camp that she loved me as much as a fat boy loved cake. Another girl said to me, “I like popcorn. I like pizza. Do you know what else I like?” I asked, “What?” She said, “I like you.” Although this may sound somewhat sweet, I don’t particularly like people comparing me with food. This could be because I just don’t value food that highly. Attributing food to me is kind of dehumanizing and degrading. I don’t find it very respectful in my opinion.
On the other hand, one nickname I have particularly liked my friends calling me throughout my earlier years was “Ninja,” or “The ninja.” Perhaps the reason I liked this name is that it is attributed to skill, stealth, swiftness, and awesome moves. It is not a name I made for myself, but something I earned, I suppose, through just being myself (Note: I was also a black belt in karate). To me, I clearly see it as a respected and esteemed name. However, it would be incongruous for people to just start calling me this name if they haven’t seen any of my ninja skills like diving for a Frisbee, doing a handstand, performing karate moves, or sneaking up on people and scaring them. I am not sure whether “ninja” would be classified as teasing. It would be considered a name of endearment, for sure. However, the point I want to make about “ninja” and the girls comparing me to food is this: We all perceive things differently based upon who we are, what we love, and the association with words we make in our minds. Therefore, however you decide to tease someone, this principle must be kept in mind.
Mark Gungor has a helpful book called Discovering Your Heart, which is a personality test type book but can be really helpful for understanding yourself and the ones you love to know how best to encourage, motivate, and bring out the best in others. It has applications for this topic of teasing in that if we know the hearts of people better, we can learn to better tease or not to tease others for the things that they love about themselves and value in life. I would consider this book of equal worth as the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I believe Mark Gungor’s book is a must if you’re married or especially, if you’re raising kids.
References:
Keltner D., Capps L., Kring A. M., Young R. C., & Heerey E. A. “Just Teasing: A Conceptual Analysis and Empirical Review” 2001. Vol. 127, No. 2, 229-248. American Psychological Association. Web. 23 Mar. 2015. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/dacherkeltner/docs/keltner.teasing.psychbull.2001.pdf